I'm so tired out, and confused. I feel as if I'm in a mid life crisis before I'm even in my mid life. My mind fills up with incomplete sentences along with a lisp at every sentence. I'm condemning myself every time I type something into this space feeling as if my english doesn't deserve to be anywhere even in this blog. It feels so incompetent and disorientated. I can't help comparing how others can write with such a flare and make sentences linked so engagingly.

i think ultimately. I feel as if I am so damn fucked. fucked in my speech, future and self development. like literally. I feel so choked in my words, what are my available options in life and will i ever get better in life. It's as if a huge ass dick is being shoved into my life. And i fucking hate how i'm using "i feel" and 'I' at the start of every sentence. how limited my used of english is.

As I type, I like to think, or at least I relief some thoughts that has been itching my brain into discomfort. what the fuck am i suppose to be doing? and why the fuck am I typing so many "fucks" do I really have that much fucks to give? It feels as if I'm a stench of bore. I want to be someone who people are interested in, or at least have done something people take interest in. I feel so utterly lazy because I have no idea what to do. it's like as if my mind is uncreative, such a bore. There's nothing I can do. Sigh.

Even now I'm starting to feel lazier and lazier as I type. I wan a constant, a constant that I can passionately work on and continue through my life. not a person but a skill, or something, a business that i call my own. sigh, this is so demoralising.

i think the problem is what I really want to do in life and whether I can go very far with that.

but then I have no solution for both of that either.